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Local Company Launches Campaign to Get Seniors and Their Families Talking |
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Wednesday, 14 May 2008 |
Your dad's neighbor just called to tell you that your 79-year-old father sideswiped his parked vehicle and nearly hit a child standing nearby. Was it an isolated slip-up or the sign that it's time for your dad to think about giving up his car keys? More importantly, how do you begin the discussion about such a potentially volatile subject?
Sensitive issues like this prompted Home Instead Senior Care, a company serving Erie, Huron, and Ottawa Counties, to launch a public education campaign called the "40-70 Rule." This campaign will help adult children begin to address difficult issues with their parents such as driving, finances, independence and even romance. "The '40-70 Rule' means that if you are 40, or your parents are 70, it's time to start the conversation about some of these difficult topics," said Ceinwen Price, owner of the local Home Instead Senior Care office.
The campaign is based on research conducted in the U.S. and Canada by Home Instead
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Senior Care, which revealed that nearly one-third of adults in the U.S. have a major communication obstacle with their parents that stems from continuation of the parent-child role.* In other words, it can be difficult to get the conversation going because the child is still in a child rather than adult role with their aging loved one.
"Because of this obstacle, adult children may wait until an emergency or crisis happens before talking to parents," said Price. "Our goal with the '40-70' campaign is to provide practical ways for adult children to talk to their parents now. We've seen lack of communication lead to misuse of medications, self-neglect and accidents."
At the center of the "40-70 Rule" campaign is a guide of conversation starters for sensitive senior-care subjects, which is available free from the local Home Instead Senior Care office. The guide was compiled with the assistance of Jake Harwood, Ph.D., national author and communication professor from the University of Arizona who is the former director of that school's Graduate Program in Gerontology.
Starting conversations early is particularly important for end-of-life issues such as power of attorney and wills, said Harwood, author of "Understanding Communication and Aging," (2007, Sage Publications). Other topics may need to be addressed as well, he said. "On the earlier driving instance, you could say, 'Hey Dad, Fred from next door called to tell me about your accident. What happened?'" Harwood said. "Then take the opportunity to drive with your parent. Even a short drive would help you gauge your dad's skills and deficits."
Such conversations should be broached with care, Harwood added. "It's crucial to begin these conversations assuming 'if' rather than 'when.' Many older adults continue to drive safely as they age. So personal circumstances should determine how much discussion needs to occur," he said.
In general, the Home Instead Senior Care survey found that Boomers have the most difficulty talking with their parents about independence issues, such as continuing to live in their own home, and that their parent's desire to remain independent makes it challenging to address such sensitive issues as health (28 percent) and money (21 percent). The fact that many of these families are still in a parent-child rather than a peer-to-peer role makes the conversations even more difficult.
"It takes two to tango," Harwood explains. "If an adult child always turns first to the parent in times of trouble, regularly needs money from the parent, or calls the parent every time there's a crisis in the child's romantic life, then they can expect the parent to continue acting out the parenting role.
"On the other hand, if the child becomes truly independent and stops acting out these behaviors, then the parent may be more likely to relinquish the parent role," he said. "So adult children should be aware of the sorts of behaviors they are engaging in, which may cause their parents to act 'parentally.'"
Physical space and place also influence communication, Harwood said. "A family reunion on a major holiday may well trigger a lot of memories and associations of childhood for all involved, not just the parents.
"It may be helpful for the children to mix things up a little if the parental behaviors are a problem," Harwood said. "This might be achieved by taking a more active role in cooking the dinner or taking the parent out to the mall to buy them a gift just to change the dynamic and the setting in a positive way," he said.
The bottom line is to keep talking, because the parent-child conversation can be so important in helping seniors adapt to changing life circumstances, said Harwood and Home Instead Senior Care's Ceinwen Price.
Good communication also is vital to helping families know when it's time to seek additional resources. "Oftentimes both adult children and their loved ones can benefit from outside help, such as a professional caregiver," said Ceinwen Price. "But the only way that will happen is if they can talk about it."
For more information about Home Instead Senior Care's survey, including the results of the research and an executive summary, log on to www.4070talk.com. For interviews with local seniors and their adult children, and copies of the free "40-70 Rule" guide, contact Ceinwen Price at 419-734-5050 or toll free at 877-733-5050. For more information about aging issues, contact Jake Harwood at
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To order his book, "Understanding Communication and Aging," visit www.amazon.com.
*Survey Methodology: 1,000 telephone interviews were completed in the U.S. (sampling error of +/-3.1 percent at a 95 percent confidence level) and 500 interviews were completed in Canada, excluding Quebec (sampling error of +/-4.4 percent at a 95 percent confidence level). Data analysis was performed by the Boomer Project of Richmond, Virginia: www.boomerproject.com.
40/70 Rule Sidebars
Seven Tips to Help Boomer Children Communicate With Their Aging Parents
Following, from Home Instead Senior Care and communication expert Jake Harwood, Ph.D., from the University of Arizona, are tips to help family caregivers communicate with their aging parents on sensitive subjects.
Get started. If you're 40 or your parents are 70, it's time to start observing and gathering information carefully and thoughtfully. Don't reach a conclusion from a single observation and decide unilaterally on the best solution until you have gathered information with an open mind and talked with your parents.
Talk it out. Approach your parents with a conversation. Discuss what you've observed and ask your parents what they think is going on. If your parents acknowledge the situation, ask what they think would be good solutions. If your parents don't recognize a problem, use concrete examples to support your case.
Sooner is best. Talk sooner, rather than later when a crisis has occurred. If you know your loved one has poor eyesight or has trouble driving at night, begin to address those issues before a problem arises.
Forget the baby talk. Remember you are talking to an adult, not a child. Patronizing speech or baby talk will put older adults on the defensive and convey a lack of respect for them. Put yourself in your parent's shoes and think how you would want to be addressed in the situation.
Maximize independence. Always try to move toward solutions that provide the maximum amount of independence for the older person. Look for answers that optimize strengths and compensate for problems. For instance, if your loved ones need assistance at home, look for tools that can help them maintain their strengths. Professional caregiving services, such as those offered by Home Instead Senior Care, provide assistance in a number of areas including meal preparation, light housekeeping or medication reminders. Or find friends who can help.
Stay tuned in. If your dad dies and, soon afterward, your mom's house seems to be in disarray, it's probably not because she suddenly became ill. It's much more likely to stem from a lack of social support and the loss of a life-long relationship. Make sure that your mom has friends and a social life.
Ask for help. Many of the issues of aging can be solved by providing parents with the support they need to continue to maintain their independence. Resources such as Home Instead Senior Care, Area Agencies on Aging and local senior centers can help provide those solutions.
Conversation Starters for Sensitive Senior Subjects
Following, from Home Instead Senior Care and communication expert Jake Harwood, Ph.D., from the University of Arizona, are common and sensitive situations that can arise with seniors. These scenarios are based on research conducted by Home Instead Care in the U.S. Here, Harwood provides advice to help family caregivers begin communication about these sensitive situations. For more information and other scenarios, contact your local Home Instead Senior Care office for the "40-70 Rule" guide.
Research: Nearly one-third (31 percent) of Baby Boomers said their biggest communication obstacle with their aging parents is continuation of the parent-child roles that emerged in childhood, making discussion of sensitive issues even more difficult.
Your 70-year-old widowed mother has just been diagnosed with macular degeneration, a disease that causes deterioration of eyesight. How do you begin a conversation with her about the possible ramifications of this disease on her life?
Many seniors in this situation might begin the conversation with family themselves. If not, then think about her personal circumstances and important areas to address. For example, if your mother lives in a remote area, transportation is probably the most immediate issue. Then approach the conversation with the goal of trying to resolve this one issue, rather than multiple issues.
Timing is the key. There are rarely urgent deadlines that have to be met immediately - give yourself and your parent time to think about issues. Your mom would likely be receptive to a conversation that begins: "Let's figure out a plan for how you can get around town if you no longer feel safe driving."
Research: The most difficult topic for adult children to discuss with their aging parents was that they have to leave their home. That conversation was a problem for more than half (53 percent) of those who were still in the parent-child role, as well as more than one-third (35 percent) who didn't have that communication obstacle.
You find that your 77-year-old mother's house is often in disarray when you visit. You believe it's time for her to make a change in her living arrangement. What do you say?
Observation and careful attention to the problem should be your first course of action. Avoid diagnosing a problem and deciding on a solution quickly. Approach your mother with a sense of working together to find a solution rather than telling her what to do.
The specific circumstances - such as financial constraints - may be relevant. Is the problem simply that your mother is physically challenged by strenuous housework or is she deteriorating mentally? Does she just need help tidying up around the house or are other aspects of her personal care, such as bathing, going downhill?
Assuming that the problem is physical where vacuuming or bending is becoming an issue, begin the conversation with an offer: "Mom, I have some extra cash. What do you say we find someone to help you with the heavy stuff, like vacuuming? It will be my treat." Seniors are often very willing to accept help around the house. And most communities have ample resources such as cleaning services and companies like Home Instead Senior Care that can help.
Research: Forty-nine percent of adult children said they were interested in learning more about their parents' medication management.
When visiting your 85-year-old dad, you see bottles of medication on the kitchen counter, on the bathroom counter and on his nightstand. You wonder how he is keeping all of his medications straight. What do you ask?
It's good to use humor and, in a situation like this, to assume that he is keeping them straight (innocent until proven guilty). There may be good reasons why some of his medications are in the kitchen (he's taking them with food), while others are on the nightstand (he's taking them before bed).
Pointing to a bottle and asking, "How the heck do you keep all these pills straight, Dad?" would be a good conversation starter. If the response includes the reasons you suspected above, then it sounds like things are under control. If, however, he says, "I don't know. I do my best. I'm not even sure what some of them are," then the situation probably needs more attention. If he's having a problem, talk to him about a pill organizer, which could help him keep his medications better organized: "Dad, I've heard about organizers that can help you keep all your pills in one place and make it easier for you to keep them straight. Why don't I check into it for you?" In addition, one service that Home Instead CAREGivers provide seniors is medication reminders to assist them in managing their daily medications.
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